modern dating

Modern Dating Rules

Modern dating is screwed up, it’s a game. A twisted game of who can care less, who can show the least possible interest as they maintain a fun, light persona. It’s about mastering the art of staying cool and unaffected while actively being blue-ticked by your love interest. A love interest you can’t possibly tell how you truly feel because it’s literally the number one rule of modern dating


It entails sending passive-aggressively charged messages, deleting present ones and eventually blocking said love interest. But not for long, never for too long. Only up until that high of getting rid of negativity in your life dies down. He is the negativity just so we’re clear.


modern dating



Although he’s swiftly unblocked and probably saved under a different name… wait! no name, a syllable! He doesn’t deserve a name just yet. In fact, he’s getting an unknown second chance at a response because we are interested. Especially in that golden opportunity to ignore him right back. Isn’t pettiness fun?

On the real though,

Yearning for a relationship that’s more than a fleeting romance is definitely something we’ve all craved for at a particular point. Longing to be loved wholly, deeply and unconditionally by someone who sees past our flaws. Peels back the carefully constructed masks, uncovering the darkness underneath and defying the impulse to jump ship.


This is not to say that we are incapable of loving ourselves of course.  The truth is, in our society filled with guarded, fast-paced and commitment-phobic beings -such a scenario is hard to come by. With so many options of men and women to choose from, we’re almost on this unending quest to find the perfect person. Although in reality, this person doesn’t exist


We are a people…

afraid to feel,

afraid of falling in love &

afraid of getting our already fragile hearts crushed.


But isn’t that the beauty of life?


As someone who is afraid of more things than I care to admit, for example, chickens with featherless necks, like what’s up with that? and those old scary looking elevators in town, kimathi house, Nyayo house! I would gladly walk up 14 flights of stairs again. In fact, the minute I feel any elevator is getting too full for comfort I am out faster than your quintessential 8-sec boyfriends. (Lame joke)

I realized the one thing that completely terrifies me is being vulnerable with someone. Willingly handing an individual the power to completely destroy you while hoping they wouldn’t.



A lot of us struggle with love and modern dating isn’t making it any easier. Today, vulnerability is almost always frowned upon. As if we’re subtly being conditioned to numb ourselves to the feelings that make us who we are. Lest you’re pegged as being overly sensitive, dramatic, even naivè.


The main point of human interaction is to create relationships. I’m talking about the ability, to be honest with ourselves and others about how we’re feeling.


The ability to express ourselves instead of keeping it in and pretending we’re unaffected in order to protect ourselves from, heavens forbid, deep human connection (aka the point of life).

Regardless, we play this dating game. Building walls of steel while dwindling multiple situationships around booze-infused nights and shallow conversations.  But to what end?

What happens when life’s turbulences catch up and you need someone to talk to? Do we then flip through our numerous contacts only to realize there was no stepping stone created to allow us to offload the burden on anyone? 


Think about it.


What’s the point of accepting a trend that encourages us to suppress who we are, our feelings, how we express ourselves and relate. Opting to communicate via text just to avoid uncomfortable face to face conversations.

Then again, I admit that I sometimes tend to live in a fairy tale so I might be missing the whole point. Modern dating is confusing. Especially when it involves un-commitment, which results to unaccountability. An excellent recipe for disaster. 

I was to end this post with an inspiring story but I lost my train of thought. lol.





  • paul

    amazingly put across. I believe in physical meetings as you’d learn more about your partner. otherwise if we don’t change the trend, the menace gonna keep haunting us foreve.
    2. it’d be better that you be real since the word go. in this world no perfect being exists, so let’s work towards making each other better

  • Isaac Biosse

    This was an amazing read and I felt it was somehow meant for me. I would also like to add my insights on the modern dating rules. Let’s first not even have rules to it, it just being open and getting to know someone for who they really are.

    One thing I think we really neglect is getting to know the past of someone, not with the intent of judging them but to get to know them better. In this process, I feel like most people lie about who they really are. I have found myself in this scenarios where you get into a relationship and guess what? their true characters really show.

    Recently, I was really heart broken and going through it because someone that I really loved, lied about something and at the moment I was super easy. Only later to find out the truth. You’d want to trust people and worse is when you have already gotten intimate and you can’t forget about them. I read some where

    I just feel like before emotionally and physically draining your self in dating someone,take your freaking time.Take your time before you drown in the sea of insecurities,lies,mistrust,jealousy and the bad waves that come after these will make you believe every person that you come across is a bad person.

    Thank you so much for this article. Shared it with some of my friends and they enjoyed it. Keep up the good work 🙂

    • wanjirunjenga

      I’m sorry to hear about your recent break-up . Relationships are hard and I totally agree with the “finding it difficult to get over someone ” part.

      I think that’s why most people prefer having casual relationship because it’s believed to be less complicated. Emphasis on believed 😥

  • sellah

    First of all, I worked in nyayo house, those lifts can leave you haunted for life. Yes, I agree modern dating is so hard and confusing, the fact that there are so many rules is just a bummer, let’s just drop the rules and everyone ‘do you’. Being raw and truthful may just be the secret to it. Then again maybe not 🤔.

  • Rex Maina

    Modern dating is superficial, it’s about them, you date to fit in social circles, it’s about other people expectations.

    Expectations and fantasies are set up for frustrations. Until we learn to trade our expectations for appreciation, then we are not ready to have meaningful lives.

    Appreciation to know maybe you’re not in an emotional position to date, be part of a social circle that puts pressure to date and that life is bigger than just finding a partner.

    I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s books about vulnerability, it has helped me not only in relationships but also in my creative career as a professional photographer. You can also check her interviews and Ted talks.

    There are no rules,only boundaries. The day you’ll start seing yourself as a prize and start treating yourself like someone you love, you will not participate in games and passive-aggressive relationships. You’ll also be content with who you are and have the patience to wait for your ‘not mr. perfect’ 😊 as you enjoy your life.

    I don’t wish people to find their partners, I wish them to find themselves.

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